It seems like I write this same post at
least once every year.
It comes upon me suddenly: no triggering event, no life
changing moment, no existential crisis…
Out of nowhere, it just hits me that I have not done nearly enough.
We all have met those people whose list of good deeds is a
mile long. They make you feel that if
the world had a few more people like them, then it would be such a better
place. Or, if you’re at all like me,
they cause you to criticize yourself. What have I done that matters?
I have big dreams. I
want to open a clinic in Africa. I want
to treat sick people and make them better, happier and healthier.
Africa isn’t a requirement.
I have always loved El Salvador.
Then again, everything I have ever read from Paul Farmer gives me a
passion for Haiti. I’ve seen some pretty
desolate faces in The Philippines. I
have read about the horrors in the Congo. There could always be more doctors in India.
I don’t know where I want to go… but I know I want to go somewhere and make things better.
Whenever this comes up in conversation, as it tends to (surprisingly often!), people like to point out that I could stay here, in the
U.S. and still achieve my dream. There
are certainly people here who could benefit from free healthcare. Wouldn’t I rather
do that?
In a word, no.
My vision is unconventional, I have been told. It’s not proper and it is certainly not the
American dream. I'm not expecting to find a nice house or early retirement. One of its many draws is that it would be a challenge. It would be a step outside of my comfort
zone. It would be an adventure.
It would also be a sacrifice. If I were to have kids, would I bring them?
Wherever I end up, I don’t expect the
school system to be a high selling point for the area. That doesn’t seem fair… to deprive my potential children of the same opportunities I was given.
Whenever I fall in love with a new place, it is usually
because I’m reading a horribly sad book or news story about it. While reading The Fear, (by Peter
Godwin) in the middle of a fit of tears, I informed my husband that we were
going to someday live in Zimbabwe. I was
crying with disgust for the violence that the world at large has turned its
back on. I was crying with sadness for
the people forced to live in such a place simply because they had the bad luck
to be born there and the inability to get out.
My husband politely informed me that we would not be going to such a
place. I suppose we will just have to
see how that plays out…
Zimbabwe has a special place in my heart because it broke my
heart. It also shattered my apathy. I want to do something. I’m not a politician, economist, or foreign
correspondent who can enact change on a global level, but that certainly
doesn’t mean that I can’t do something.
Except, I feel like I can’t.
Not right now. Sure, I look
forward to living out my dream… someday.
What about now? How am I making
the world a better place right now? How
can I fit that into studying…?
To be honest, I really haven’t. I wish I felt better about it; that it is
okay to be fully focused on school right now, because that’s what I need to
do. Most days, my lengthy to-do list is
enough to keep me fully distracted from the things I should be doing. But, on nights like tonight… I know I would
rather be somewhere else, doing something that matters.
I will someday do good for others and hopefully make the
world a better place in some small way… Until then, I guess I’m just waiting
and hoping that I’ve cast my lot in the correct path, that will one day allow me to do good
enough. Enough good.
Earlier, I mentioned those people who make you feel like you
haven’t really made any impact with your life.
The person who inspired that feeling tonight isn’t that much older than
me, but already she has touched the lives of thousands of people through her
orphanage.
She went on a mission trip as a young teenager and fell in
love with the country she visited. She
returned multiple times and ultimately moved there to open a children’s home:
Amor y Esperanza. (For the Spanish challenged, that’s “Love and Hope”).
Anyways, her story is not mine to tell. You can find out more about it at this website.
What I admire most about that children’s home, was that it
was a family more than an institution.
In my two short visits there, it was obvious that every child was loved
immensely. Each one knew that they were
special and that they mattered. Even the
staff, the visitors… every one in that place felt loved, welcomed and
understood.
I am afraid that I am not very good at that.
Another one of my eventual goals is to adopt. (This one, I have no issues with postponing
until school is over though!). There are so many children in the world who
haven’t felt what it is like to have a solid family who loves them. What I am afraid of with adoption is that I
won’t be good at it… That I won’t be able to make that child feel like they
mean the whole world to me, even though they do.
To be honest, I don’t know if I do a good job of that with
anyone in my life. There are so many
people whom I treasure dearly, and I don’t know if I adequately show that. I make it a point to tell people that I love
them… (My husband, family and friends that is, not just random people.) But, do
I show them?
A pattern among my blog posts seems to be posing questions
for which I don’t have an answer.
Writing this didn’t gain me any ground in that regard, but it did serve
as a reminder: this is how I intend to make the world a better place.
I have a broken heart and passion to fix things. I want to make sick people healthy. I want to make broken hearts whole. I so easily get bogged down in the rigors of
daily life, depressed with the seemingly endless nature of my chosen path, and distracted
by a countless number of things. When
those things darken my outlook, its refreshing to pause and reflect on where I
someday hope to be.
For a blog that mentions medical school in the title, I talk
about it very little… So for those of you who are wondering, this is why I
chose to go to medical school.
I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather
Whats the purpose?
It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit,
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you
And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all
But then you assure me I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once- Relient K, "Something That Matters"
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